How can EFT help my relationship?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short–term treatment approach focusing on reconnecting distressed couples. Developed by Susan Johnson and Les Greenberg and based on John Bowlby’s seminal attachment research, EFT respects the innate human need to feel attached to and comforted by significant others.
Adult attachment relationships are believed to have the same survival function as the mother-child bond, and ideally, these attachments can provide the same love, comfort, support, and protection throughout the lifespan. However, due to our relationship histories, and the negative interaction cycles we get into with our partners, many of us have difficulties with trust and expressing emotion to those who mean the most to us.
When couples argue about such issues as jealousy, sex, or money (to name a few), these arguments often stem from one partner not feeling connected, not trusting, or not feeling safe or secure with the other partner. When our partners are not emotionally available, or are not responding to our needs to feel close or supported, we feel distressed. We may become anxious, fearful, numb, depressed, or distant.
These behaviors can become habitual or rigid. Particularly when we are communicating to our partners. Furthermore, these toxic behavior patterns seem to take on a life of their own as they cycle into repetitive interactions that cause much pain, injury, and despair. We focus on these patterns in therapy and work on changing these negative interaction cycles in a non-judgmental environment.
In a relatively short time, couples begin to recognize and eventually express their needs for love, support, protection, and comfort that are often hidden or disguised by the harsh or angry words used in repetitive self-defeating patterns of conflict. Partners begin to “listen with the heart,” one of the cornerstones of EFT – which means listening not for the literal meaning of a partner’s words, but for the feelings that lie beneath. In return, the other partner is better able to respond from the heart in kind. This is the emotional focus of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
We view the building of a “safe haven” in your relationship as our primary task, and we will focus on your primary needs — to feel close, secure, and responded to — which probably underlie most of your conflict with your partner. Once this safe haven and feelings of connection are re-established, you will be better able to manage conflict and the painful or difficult feelings that will inevitably arise from time to time in a close relationship. Furthermore, without so much defensiveness, each of you will be able to send clearer messages and will be better able to hear the other’s perspective. You will be more able to collaborate, problem-solve, and compromise. In short, you’ll be more of a team, which is the secret of a long-lived, successful relationship!
EFT is evidence-based and has been used with many different types of couples in private practice, university training centers, and hospital clinics. These distressed couples often include partners suffering from disorders such as depression, post- traumatic stress disorder, and chronic medical illness. To view further references, recent articles describing EFT therapy, and books on EFT, please refer to The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy.